I was never a good lover. Or at least not a successful one, one that everyone would think as "nice, sweet and suitable".
At 14, I told him that "this was just a game".
At 17, I decided that "he's my life, I will fight the world to be with him". He said that "I am too stubborn". At 18, I aborted our child in one humid afternoon. At 20, he left me one note in my mailbox: "I am sorry" and disappeared for good.
At 22, I decided that "this boy is not worthy of my time". Later on I heard that he cried outside of my apartment.
At 23, I told him that "I don't know what's going to happen but let's try it out". At 27, I told him that "we don't share the same life goals. Let's split". I didn't tell him that I sat on the floor and cried my heart out.
At 28, I decided that life was too short to be with only one person. So I played hard in the field.
Today, at 30, I finally am hearing a lot about "how smart she is" and "how strong she is". I know my value now.
By 30, I have been trying treatments for my anxiety for over a year. "You are developing", "You are learning", "You are progressing", "You are so brave"...
At 30, I am in love again, since 7 years ago. But the love of my life has decided to be alone. "I don't want it".
What have I done wrong this time? Nothing. I did nothing wrong.
I am a humble but strong person now. I speak my mind. I care about people. I listen. I work hard. I love my friends and family. I talk to them. I practice mindfulness. I love unconditionally.
I have done nothing wrong. Yet, I have lost again. Big time.
Am I to give in yet? Do I ought to be angry now? Should I stop trying?
I want to say yes, for I have been so tired and sad.
But I don't have the leisure to. When my father decided to name me Zhou 30 years ago, my fate was written. This little boat (Zhou/舟) will have to keep sailing, until she reaches the other side.
I will be fighting anxiety for the rest of my life. I will get older and wiser. I will be sad again. I will also feel joy again. Most importantly, I will not let go. I will love this very person unconditionally, till the boat stops working. For love is the only thing that keeps me sane and alive.
So thank you darling. Consciously or unconsciously, you have saved my life and I shall be grateful forever.
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